164 - Friday Fix: Ask Me Anything (Part 3)

Welcome to the verywellmind podcast. I met me more in the editor-in-chief of very well mine. I'm also a psychotherapist and a bestselling author of Dora books on mental strength. You're listening to their Friday every Friday. I share quick middle, spring strategy, that can help fix the thoughts, feelings and actions that can hold you back in life. And the fun part is we record the show from a sailboat in the Florida Keys.

Every day. My inbox is flooded with questions from people who want to know more about how to grow mentally stronger and I just don't have time to answer every single question. So this is my solution. Ask your question on the show and you don't have to leave your name. I'll answer it publicly because they're probably a lot of people out there who could benefit from hearing the response to

So today we're doing this. Third installment of ask me anything. Everything of tons of voicemail messages from you. With great questions about everything from parenting issues to depression. I picked a handful of those questions to answer on Today Show. If you have a question that you want me to consider for the next to ask me, anything, leave me a voicemail message at speak pipe.com verywellmind podcast. Now, let's dive in today's episode

My first question is about self compassion.

Hi, my name is Kaylee and I was wondering how you differentiate between being self-compassionate and making excuses for yourself. When difficult circumstances prevent you from reaching your goals. Thank you.

So the difference between self-compassion and making an excuse, is really about accepting responsibility.

Self-compassion tends to involve an explanation but not an excuse. So she is the difference between an explanation and an excuse.

Let's say that you decide that you're going to start to eat healthier, but then on the way home from work, you stopped and got a giant burger, some fries and a milkshake.

An excuse with involving something like my boss stressed me out today. I had too much work to do and not enough time to prepare something healthy.

Self-compassion explanation. On the other hand, would involve same something more. Like, I worked a lot of hours. I didn't plan ahead, and I was stressed out.

That's a slight shift in the way that you worded it but it makes a really big difference. Just remember that. Self-compassion accepts responsibility but it's not overly critical because being too hard on yourself. Doesn't do any good either. Maybe you say something like you're so stupid, you always mess up. This is never going to work. Those kinds of thoughts. Increase the chances that you just going to mess up again tomorrow.

Self-compassion is about speaking to yourself the same way that you talk to a trusted friend that friend that you're willing to be honest with and call them out when you're concerned about their behavior but you do it out of kindness, not harshness.

Our next question is about depression.

Sometimes I think I have depression other times. I think it's probably normal and everyone feels this way. How do I know for sure and is there any benefit to knowing

Good question about depression because of Russian has a bunch of different symptoms in the symptoms, sometimes look different in different people. Have a lot of people come in my therapy office and they're irritable, but it's actually depression, but they look way more irritable than they do sad, or some people lose their appetite. While other people eat a lot more when they're depressed. Same as sleep, sometimes people can't sleep at all. Sometimes people sleep too much since the symptoms all look different, it's hard to know. Sometimes one thing you can do is go to the Mental Health, America website and take a test. They have a really quick question. Are that can help you know, if you might have depression

Milk have lots of other questions too, so that you could determine if you might have another mental health issue or substance abuse problem like PTSD or an anxiety disorder.

Another option would be to just talk to your physician. Let them know that you're questioning. If you might have depression, most Physicians can give you a screening tool or questionnaire to help figure it out. And so while we usually think that we're supposed to talk to her doctor about her physical health problems, they are usually fairly well-versed in the mental health problems too. And they can always refer you to a psychiatrist or therapist if they think that you need something more than they can offer.

Or you can just make your own appointment with a mental health, professional for a check-up, you can talk to somebody online if that's easier than meeting with someone in person but the same way you might talk to a doctor. Once a year for an annual physical you could just meet with a therapist to say this is what's going on? Do you think I might have a problem?

And ultimately the way that we decide if somebody has a diagnosable condition like depression is based on the amount of problems it causes in life. All of us have a down day or times when we aren't feeling as good as usual. But when it's something like a clinical diagnosis of depression, or anxiety, it starts to interfere with your social life. Your work, your educational functioning, and it usually last more than two weeks and then knowing that you might have depression, can then help you decide what to do about it. For some people, that might mean going to talk therapy for other people. That might be about taking medication, or it might just end up making some lifestyle changes, so that you can manage your depression on your own.

And our third question is about in-law trouble.

Hi, I wanted to know what should I do? I've been married for almost 21 years and my mother-in-law is still not my biggest fan, and he never has been, never thinks I'm good enough for her husband. Still to my face, she's nice and polite, and says she loves me, but I know behind my back. She talks about me negatively. What I should do.

Somebody certainly don't have the dream relationship with your mother love. You might have hoped a but you don't say whether your mother-in-law is telling people that you're not good enough or whether you just assumed it. So not sure if it's a fact or just an assumption that she doesn't think that you're good enough. So the first thing you might do is think about that. Has she actually told you or has she told somebody else that she thinks that you're not good enough or how do you know that she's talking poorly about you? Who she talking poorly about you too?

Nothing about what evidence you have. So maybe maybe just assume this or maybe you just reading between the lines and making that assumption. If it's an assumption then you can address your beliefs. Maybe you think you are good enough and you're making the assumption that she feels the same secret look for evidence to the contrary are there times when you think that you do assume that you're good enough,

You could also ask yourself what? What advice would I give to my friend who had this problem? Same question that we asked earlier. If your friend said she, I feel like my mother-in-law doesn't like me. What would you say? You probably have some kind compassionate words.

Okay, but let's assume it's a fact, your mother-in-law has a outright told you or your husband that she thinks you're not good enough. You have three options. First one is just work on trying to improve your relationship with her.

You can't just go out there and accomplish a whole bunch of stuff that would make her start to see. You was good enough but you might be able to improve the relationship. So that over time things might shift a little bit.

Or you could just accept things for the way that they are inside. This is how it's going to be.

Or you could do both of those things at the same time, that would involve accepting things for what they are now. Well, knowing that perhaps down the road, things might change.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how you want to handle it. And you might make that decision based on how big of a problem that this is for you and for your family right now.

So you can't control what your mother-in-law thinks or how she feels, but you can address her behavior and it might be up to both you and your husband to address that. So if your mother-in-law's being unkind, you can establish healthy boundaries that might be ending a conversation if she says something. Rude.

And you want to make sure that you and your husband are on the same page and that he's willing to set limits. If his mom is speaking poorly of you.

If it's affecting your relationship with your husband, talk to his therapist together in-laws and extended family are really common reason why people seek professional help. It's important that the two of you set healthy boundaries rent, other people from interfering. And if your husband's not interested in seeing a therapist, you can always see one for yourself to address the issue.

So that's it for this. Ask me anything you want me to answer your question. Go to the show notes on the verywellmind.com page and leave me a voicemail message. I'll try to answer it on an upcoming episode.

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Thank you for hanging out with me today and for listening to the verywellmind podcast and I was always a big thank you to my Show's. Producer who doesn't never get seasick. Nick Valentine.

Do you want to learn more strategies for building? Mental strength? Check out my International bestselling books and discover how to grow, mentally stronger, 13 things, mentally, strong people don't do. I sold more than a million copies and been translated into more than 40 languages. My other books, include 13, things mentally, strong parents, don't do 13 things, mentally, strong, women don't do and 13 things, strong kids do and stay tuned. Book number five is coming to a bookstore near you and 2023.