You’ve Got a Dysfunctional Mess

This is the Ramsey Call of the Day, part of the Ramsey Network.

Joining me today is Ramsey Personality, Dr. John Deloni.

Peter is with us in Chicago.

I Peter, how are you?

I didn't good, how about yourself?

Better than undeserved, what's up?

So a little bit of background.

So the last three years in the pandemic, I have been paying for my parents mortgage and home equity.

My question is, unfortunately, I think I missed the opportunity for low rates, but my

question is, I still have three options.

I can either continue paying the principal and interest, which I'm currently doing, they

are covering the property taxes.

That's option number one.

Can you what I'm currently doing, paying $3,000 a month with that?

Why are you paying your parents mortgage?

Well, because they currently can't afford it, they want to stand their house.

I'm an only child, and I would do, and we'll do anything I can to pay them back for being

fantastic parents and giving me an amazing child.

To help them avoid reality, why can't they pay their mortgage?

At the start of the pandemic, my dad had to retire, and my team contained history back as

an age of them, and he just aged, it's kind of forced to age out a little bit.

How old is he?

He is 66.

So what did he do for a living?

He is a substitute teacher, right now, before he was in another industry, he was making...

Both of my parents are in their 70s as professors, as teachers.

And that's definitely an option that could take.

Can you afford $3,000?

I mean, this is different.

Do you make 25 grand a month, and this is no big deal?

I should probably go and month off down my head, but for a year, it's 110.

It's like, how old are you?

29.

And you're single, I'll take it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you live with them?

I did a move back at the pandemic, which is why I was happy to help them out.

To take a step back, Dave, this was not supposed to be a long term solution.

It was supposed to be temporary and the intention of getting a job, he was really good

in his industry.

He had experience.

And they have a no money.

Is there a blind permit around $45 a year?

Yeah.

And what's the house worth?

$77.

Yeah.

And what are they all on it?

They owe $200 to 83.

Yeah, they need to sell it and buy a house for $500,000, it's paid for.

Yeah.

That's a nonstarter.

No, it is a starter.

The whole starter.

It's a complete starter.

Total starter.

The nonstarter is this dysfunctional crap that you're weaving that is your life.

That's the nonstarter.

The nonstarter is a 29 year old is taking care of these fully capable adults who need

to get off their butts and take care of themselves and it is not an act of love.

There is so much weirdness going on behind the scenes in this conversation I can't breathe.

Especially some sort of return on investment as though they were great parents and so they're

entitled to X percent of your income because they don't want to work.

Yeah.

Or they didn't save up or they made some life choices.

I'm all about helping your parents up.

But let's pretend that you had a job that was making $20,000 a year and you were in an

apartment and they were in this pickle.

You know what they would do?

They would sell their house and buy a $500,000 house and get a job to be able to live there.

That's what they would do.

It's not a nonstarter.

You are trying to make their fantasy world exist and it's not sustainable and you are a

participating in the fantasy as though the fantasy that you can prop them up and keep this

thing going forever.

This has such a short runway and it's going to hit the wall and it's going to disintegrate

like a NASCAR and the engine's going to fly up in the stands.

I mean, this is, you got about two to three years on this before all the emotions and

this mess melt down and the finances unravel.

So this is not a refinance question.

This is a Peter, you've made some, you guys have made a mistake of trying to, you were

nice to come in and with an umbrella when it was raining but an umbrella is not a structure

that's sustainable.

In a monsoon and so these folks need to make some decisions about their income and their

housing like grownups and then you need to go on and love them, be kind to them and you

can assist them occasionally.

But this idea that you took them to raise is just dysfunctional, that's the nonstarter.

It's just all in your story and it's weird and I'm not picking on you, I'm not shaming

you.

I just want you to hear it loud and clear because you're, you're nowhere near hearing

it.

That's why I'm smacking you so hard because I really want to shake you a little bit and

get your attention because this is not good mental health.

It's not good relational health but more importantly, you're intentionally sacrificing

your future to not to keep somebody alive but to prop up a fantasy.

There's two in there's a difference there, right?

So here's the thing.

But John, let's talk about this minute because it comes up with boundaries issues and

this is a kind of a boundaries question in a sense all the time.

We call the 30s and 40s, he's a little young for it but we call them the sandwich generation

because we got their kids to raise and put through college and many times their parents

have got issues and their sandwich between both of the financial needs pulling at them.

So you have to have real clear boundaries and love and many of my brothers and sisters

in Christ twist and make toxic the scripture that says to honor your father and mother.

And that means that we have to do whatever, no it doesn't.

If your mom is doing cocaine, you are not honoring her by giving her money, right?

That's not honor, that's participation in dysfunction, that is not honoring, that is not

an act of love, that is not an act of honor, that is a dysfunction and that you can't

you can't throw a Bible scripture over it and make it okay, he didn't do that.

But I hear this all the time and you honor someone by loving them well and that's helping

them get into a sustainable healing situation and telling the truth.

That's the truth and not sacrificing your 60s, 70s and 80s because of their dysfunction

exactly when you were 20 and 30.

Thanks for tuning in to the Ramsey Call of the Day.

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