Welcome to feel vessela, small bite-sized, your weekly dose of positivity, and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's episode of Broad City Point, Athletic greens, one of the most nutrient-dense whole-food supplements that I have come across. It contains vitamins, minerals Prebiotic, probiotic, digestive enzymes by myself. Take it regularly, go to ask.com. Lift, more to find out more and to access a very special offer to listen to my podcast, greens.com live, more episode of the podcast with the therapist and author Philip Perry. And this clip, she explains how we can improve the relationships that we have with our children. And why even when we get things wrong learning how to repair on the steaks,
Key to building close to connections.
In part, one of your book. This paragraph, a child needs, warmth and acceptance. Physical touch your physical presence, love plus, boundary is understanding play with people. Full age has soothing experiences on a load of your attention on your time.
If only it were that simple, right? Well, it sounds simple. And I always think that when we pregnant or expecting a child, you think you'd be able to do that. I'm just sort of, think about it. And that's what you want to do. And yet there you are with a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager and you feel it, coming up with gets in the way you can be, you making that connection or you feel splitting lots of different directions at once life gets in the way. But what gets in the way really is.
We get in the way of ourselves more than external things like working busyness, and I'm being pulled in two directions at once we get in the way of ourselves. Because whatever age your child is at is liable to remind you in a little bottle, a level, what you went through at the age. And if you don't want to be reminded your child be like a trigger alavi child, but then you also experiencing like a trigger. So you'll push them away and you weren't consciously know. This is what you're doing. For example, if your child is crying because I can't do it with shoelaces and perhaps you might remember this. So you might know, but behind your parents told you off for not being more manually, dexterous than you. And you hate that feeling of feeling vulnerable, incompetent clumsy and not good enough. When your child is displaying the same thing as you
Don't want to be reminded of that Thunder ability, so you kind of push them away. Rather than going, you take your time with that shoelace. You're going to get the hang of it. I know you, are you more like so I can do it?
Because you just want to push away. Feeling the coming up in you. I mean, it's happening for me, I'm sure for many people listening to it, so long conversation, then I'm sure they'll be serving tensing up and thinking about certain situations that have happens. I don't think we think we're turning into our parents as we get older. And wonder if we just, we just almost a mirror after Behavior. We have been exposed to and then we just have dissolved. How do we apply it on to all kids? I think I might can't help it and I snapped nobody gets this, right, nobody gets this perfect. I might have felt alone at times with my kid when I feel completely overwhelmed by them. And what you can do is something I called in the book rupture and repair which is when you noticed you've misunderstood of mr. Tunes, your kid or shine today.
Wasn't my fault and then you can say to them when you realized, I shouldn't have done that. It was my fault. It's not you, it's me. You can repair the rupture and then they'll get the reading more easily than we might think. But it's important to repair the rupture, I have improved my embarrassing of the last two or three yeses. If I have been really stressed and I have snapped to say, sorry, you know, I was juggling two or three things was quite stressed out with my work and I by chance that you want to chill out on you and I'm sorry for me, it was important to tell the truth to your children if you want a good close connection with your kid and who doesn't really why have them otherwise,
Authenticity is key. Obviously you don't want to use your child as a therapist but somebody wants to meet. But isn't it important that our kids think? They're always right? Otherwise they wouldn't feel secure. I said no it's important that they think we're always open 6 so we can have a connection because if we say something is blue and they can see it's green, we are going to be interfering with that instincts. So if we say to kid, it was your fault. When actually, it was our fault. We are interfering with that instincts, and if we interfere with the instincts, we will do the intelligence and obviously, we don't want to do that. So, it's really important parent, spell sense, it is on some level, is not the best parents in sip of all.
So, it's not about first. Well, that's the first chapter in my book is to look at your patents. Look at why we do what we do examine something, I cooled critical voice because that tends to merge with our parenting a little bit too much. So that the first chapter of the first part of my book is all about. So itself out. Okay, well, I get it but that didn't last all that in this, you know, the treadmill about it. Like that busy, that just trying to get home. Feed the kids, come to bed, get some do that. We males, get back to think, but why do I start you start with charged emotion
So we can all get in the practice being a little bit more.
Noticing all moods noticing, when a mood feels particularly charged. So if we have a Charged emotion reaction to our child, his parents in Gold, but it can't be too anything. Maybe we feel particularly self-righteous or something, really charged up. What I asked people to do is to stop don't just assume that charged emotion has got something to do with a scenario. That's right in front of you right now.
Look at the patent that charged motion. Trace it back. Where does it come from? When did you fell first feeling? I mean, my particular charged motion is when somebody accused me of lying when I haven't lied.
I know I can remember once was a family of watching University Challenge and I said, they also a nobody had me that I said, I said that you didn't, I just noticed I already lost. My parents. Never believe me. If I said, they'd never believe me. So I fly didn't know whether I was true or not, you know, didn't know whether my experience was reading my master experience or whether I was kidding myself, the whole time. It was a very powerful thing and that would trigger me. So, that's the sort of thing you can do is notice when you feel particularly self-righteous or well or just really irritated. What's that charge about why you so irritated, because you're inside out, you know, why does that really matter? Should I stop by
Choice that might to your child have noticed, a child emotion, is a really good way of beginning to see how your post is affecting your present three times this stuff out. And what I mean by that is I am a big proponent with all my patients and then he want to try and help with the house. They need to be at downtown every day you can just go, go, go, go. That you can't do splits to be on attacking emails and work and spend all leaving on that, consume and consume and consuming getting down time, cuz it's in that down time, that you were Flats, you know, that down some, how are you going to reflect on a challenge to mention if you just jumping from one thing to another? And I think
Now, we've got this phone thing to fill in blank moments of time, like we got the bus Journey, we're not just going to sit out, look out the window in the same cuz I spent under stimulating phone on Instagram. So I can just sit there and see what comes up for you. I think this is the thing. I'm, I'm so buying it on all the time about of the moments and talks on the podcast is downtime is important Weaver, Road it down time. I'll Society, I have an empath even just for this reflection. Even just 5-10 minutes of downtime time. We played the Dolphins last and children need that down time to go to need. Actually, I would say boredom is quite good for kids because I have to board them, comes creativity, and I don't want to do one thing. You'll think of something. My phone, no.
About bulging been good for people. I'm sorry. You don't like it. We can be very sympathetic with the boundary but the boundary still has to be. That would you like some paper? See what you can do with that you know I mean what kids are really good at teaching us is to be in the present and what we tend to be is like with one foot in the future, think you do that? See males have to go through the edit so my book and I need to do that before midnight and then went with them because we're away in the present. So what weekend do we start planning for the future is going to be chaos. Take but we can still be in the present with the mole. I think what parents need is to be seen, understood helped loved and contains something with children need because that's what they have to give to the kids. So that's what I wanted. The book today, I went straight to encourage
To forgive anything to forgive but be of light and yet they still grow up to spice. It, it's sort of like
Yeah, I'd like I just wanted to give to parents while I want them to get to the kids which is being gone being understood. And what's the easiest way of doing this is Hope and no relationship ever. Run. Smooth. And that goes for the one with you and your kid because you know you might have made a mistake and misunderstood what their needs were, who doesn't do that. People done it, but just because you don't work somewhere in a straight line. Doesn't mean to say, you don't get to the end. We're always going down. One Direction thinking this isn't working, changing direction, doing another Direction. Obviously, I talked up as much as most parents cookout. I think the thing is is to go my bad when we do makes all the difference. Are you a fan of the terms? Good and bad when parents and why not?
We got so concerned to be a good parent that when we are inevitably a bad parent, we get overly defensive about the bad behavior that we've done.
That's one reason. Another reason is,
Being a parent is being in a relationship with a child.
You don't often.
Say I'm good or I'm bad. In our other relationships, we all won't be all sometimes a change, sometimes miss each and sometimes getting it. Sometimes not getting it sometimes. Self-obsessed sometimes open
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