The Worst Cow Thief

Conan Obrion needs a fan.

Want to talk to Conan?

Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan.

Okay, let's get started.

Hey, Benji, me Conan and Sona.

Whoa, hey, hey guys.

Hey, Matt Sona, Conan, Conan,

had to come last.

I'm just trying to, you know, get this.

Yeah, minute.

Benji, I barely know you, and I already

you have terribly dishonored me.

And I'm very, I'm just giving you the honor credit.

You know, like the, the building up too.

Yeah.

No, I could tell.

I was, you almost forgot to even mention me, Benji.

Benji, we're going to see you.

It's really good to see you.

Were you, were you coming from, Benji?

I'm coming from Kampala Uganda.

So all the way over the South Africa.

Excited to see you guys, Matt Sona.

Congratulations in the twins.

That's quite something.

Oh.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Baby.

Yeah, Matt just had one.

So boring.

But yeah, Sona really didn't even deliver it.

Yeah, maybe he was in the next room.

No.

He's the next room, building a ship in a bottle.

Benji, this is really exciting to encounter someone

from Uganda.

That's really cool.

I've been to, we shot an episode of a show in Ghana,

which is on West Coast.

So I've never been to the East Coast.

I'd love to go there someday.

I can't believe you're, you know who we are and you're in Uganda.

That's so cool.

You're bigger than you think.

You really should come this side.

You really should come this side.

It's fun.

It's fun.

Yeah.

I loved the Ghana part as well.

What you did.

That was really fun.

Some rich and some was just flowing with everything.

And he, oh, he's so good.

He came with me. He's such a funny improviser.

And of course, he's from Ghana.

So he was my ambassador and tour guide

through that episode, which was, which was fantastic.

But you could do that for me in Uganda, you know?

There we could do.

Tell me a little bit about your life.

What do you do?

What's your life like?

What's happening with you right now, Benji?

So I am a cloud consultant.

I did do cloud architecture work.

That's really designing how things look in the cloud.

Now I'm working on cloud finance management.

So it's fun.

I really love what I do.

I work in Campalla, work from home,

product of the whole COVID thing.

And I work with a team in Geneva and Valencia

and Philippines and Panama.

So I love this.

I actually, it makes me, it does make me very optimistic

about the future.

I'm not even kidding about this.

I'm sincere that people, some of the new work that people can do

because of the internet and technology.

And so many people can work together

intimately from different parts of the world.

I think, I don't know, that's very hopeful to me.

I love that.

Yeah, it makes you much, much more exposed.

I mean, I'm really exposed to a lot of things that go

in the world.

And I enjoy my workmates as well.

There's different vibes that you get from everyone.

And you get to understand how different cultures work,

how different people want to work.

Different areas want to work.

And I'm learning every day.

I'm honestly learning every day.

But you know, that's that's that's the work side of it.

On the home front, I married.

How recently did you get married?

You seem like a young person.

How long are you going to get married?

Well, that's good.

I seem like a young person.

I got married.

I got married one year back.

Whoa, this is, hey, congratulations.

That's new.

Yeah, one year and two weeks now.

So oh, yeah.

What kind of wedding was it?

You know, was it religious?

Was it an intense ceremony?

Was it pretty casual?

So we have three phases to our weddings.

I did have, there was this, it starts with the introduction.

That is where I'm, I'm actually not allowed to speak during that.

The introduction is, our parents meeting the other parents.

We have someone who comes in to what we call as a translator.

It's the go between.

So he talks to our parents, to both sides of the parents,

introduces them and then we discuss the bride price after that.

So that's the first step.

The bride price.

Yes.

Because it's ceremonially purchased the bride.

Is that right?

Yes.

And this is fascinating because Sona went through this as well.

Yeah, I did.

Sona had a traditional Armenian marriage and needed to be purchased the day of the wedding.

And it's not serious.

It's not real.

She wasn't really purchased.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah, because, you know, who could meet that price?

Oh, no, you tried to make that a compliment, I think.

Yeah, it didn't work.

I didn't even really try to be honest.

Okay, okay.

But I remembered, yeah, so this is fascinating to me.

It was necessary for you to purchase your wife.

Is that right?

Yes, it's, well, necessary.

necessary for them to accept me and the family.

And I'd also like to know what Sona's bride price was.

That was, that's something.

Oh, it's embarrassed.

I think it was like $40.

Yeah, she went.

I think it was, yeah.

What?

She went real cheap.

Sona went real cheap.

I'll give you 50.

So old.

I'll give you $41.99.

Just have to beat that $40.

Wow, that's on sale, it's primed in.

So you're, you're not allowed to say what the price was, are you?

No, I'm not, I'm not allowed to say so usually

our payment is in terms of cows because of the tribe that my wife comes from.

And so each cow goes that about maybe $600.

So yeah, it's a pretty tense discussion, you know.

I'm seated there thinking this may not work out if they ask for too much.

Well, usually it does, but you know, I'm, I'm really tense up.

I remember that day after the negotiations, I slipped for 12 hours straight.

That's how bad it is.

Yeah.

Well, you know, the other thing too is if you get two reasonable

or eight, your wife's going to be angry, you know?

She's, you're never here the end of it.

She'll be like, two cows, that's it.

What do you, you know, Benji, come on.

Well, you really, that's all I'm worth to.

All I am to you is two cows.

Well, I think the problem is the men in that case because they're just like, you know,

you're worth two cows.

You're not even that, you know, worth that much.

So I wouldn't worry about her sight.

I'd worry about the men more.

Mmm.

Wow.

Yep.

So anyway, you can't tell us what the actual price was, but apparently it all worked out well.

And the ceremony just, just her family like you,

now that you're allowed to speak and they can really get to know you for you.

Do they like you?

Has it gone well?

Yeah, they really like me.

We, we, we go out sometimes.

We have some fun and it's, it's normal now.

I mean, there was some tense situations, but everything's normal now.

It's just, that's my family.

So I have to say good things now.

Well, you just blew it by saying I have, you just, you better, you better scare up another cow

fast, Benji.

You are leeching, you are draining goodwill at a rapid rate.

Forever you let hit the nearest cattle ranch.

Grab a couple of, at least a couple of double doubles.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Uh, okay, so you have, you've been married now for a while and everything seems to be going

well in your life.

I mean, I'm, I'm happy for you.

Yeah, everything's going well.

You know, I have to complete that story on the cows because it sounds like I just gave

cows one way, but usually we have so that three, three, um, three wedding occasions.

The second is the traditional wedding where we, uh, with a,

bright father officially hands over the bride to my father.

I don't get the bride and during that, what?

Yeah, I mean, she's given to your father.

Yeah, he's the caretaker and then he hands her over to me.

Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, wow, this is the sweet, this is, is sounding, yeah, it is.

Yeah, she's leaving her family and entering your family.

I mean, there's, there's a sweet that's to that.

Yeah, I don't know.

At the time that happened, I had some tears coming down and I had to just suck them back up.

So yeah, it was really lovely and of course that happened during the COVID lockdown.

So that was also another story.

We, uh, we just, we were not allowed to drive or anything.

So that was announced the night before the traditional wedding.

So yeah, oh, no.

Yeah, so we had organized everything, decor and, uh, you know, the guests are coming.

And all of a sudden the president gets on the TV and it's like, you know, guys, um,

no more travel that Delta variant was really getting at everyone.

So yeah, I woke up and I didn't know if I was going to have a wedding that day.

Till about midday.

Oh, yeah.

And then, uh, you figured it out.

You improvised.

We improvised.

We managed to get there.

Some of us walked to the venue and, uh, yeah, did everything from that side.

And, uh, at the end of the wedding, the traditional wedding, we actually get those cows back.

So in terms of gifts.

Okay.

All right, you were kind of saying, Benji, you seem obsessed with the cows.

You know, let's focus on, let's focus on the fact that you, the love of your life, uh,

you know, one day the mother of your children, you, you, you, you union in the eyes of God.

Let's stick with that.

To the cows.

And stop talking about cows.

I just have one more cow question.

If you get your cows back, why are the negotiations so tense if you know they're coming back to you?

Well, sometimes you don't know if they're coming back to you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah.

Because the cows have a say in it.

And if they're happy where they are, trust me, I've read up a lot on this.

Where the cows, masked, where they COVID safe cows, they, uh, are they vaccinated?

Where they vaccinated.

But it sounds like you all have a sense of humor about these old.

I mean, you take it seriously, but you can also have a sense of humor about it, right?

Yeah, I do.

And I like that you say them obsessed with the cows, that would be something that my father

in low would be happy about it because on their side, they really love their cows.

They won't eat them as much, and they treasure them.

So for me to be obsessed, it's me being accepted into the family, and that's like, yeah,

you also love our cows.

So we can maybe they'll give me some after this, who knows?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Let's put in a pet.

He loves, you know, throw a couple of halfers his way.

Yeah.

In Benchy seems like a good guy.

I think he's three cows, I think you should be three cows.

How many cows do they have here in laws?

I said, let's say enough with the cows, and now you've got me, I'm just giving up.

I'm completely giving up.

How many cows do your in laws have?

Well, I don't think I'm allowed to say that, but wait, because that's not part of the

ceremony.

I'm just talking about in general how many do you think they have?

Oh, can I take a guess at a number and you nod your head if I'm right?

Yeah.

500.

Oh, 300.

I was supposed to nod my head.

No.

I'll say 60.

Yeah.

About that.

Okay.

All right.

You know, now that everybody in Uganda is going to know how many his in laws

have, what if they go after their cows?

Oh, please.

I bet that's why Benchy wanted to keep it a secret.

There's going to be, why would steal cows?

Yeah, but it's not a secret that they have 60 cows.

Well, when you think they're wearing sunglasses, you know, cows are, they're pretty hard

to hide.

You think they're wearing sunglasses and hats?

People in that neighborhood know, oh, wow, look, Benchy's in laws.

They've got all those cows in that field.

How many you think there are?

I'd say about 60.

Well, let's get going.

You know, I don't like to say, Benchy, tell us why don't you mention how many cows

is it like saying how much money someone has?

Yeah.

It feels that way.

It's like to say, you know, okay, it's how this much.

Yeah.

Well, I'm also, I want to know how Sonow would steal a cow.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do too.

Is it hard?

I don't know.

I've never been around cows.

I'm not a cow.

I don't, I'm guessing you got to bring the proper automobile.

What it'd be.

Yeah, let me suggest the Prius, the Prius is a good cow stealing cow.

But I mean, you just tie it up on top of the, of the car.

You just, like, a luggage.

I don't know.

No, you don't know.

You know what?

I take back my $50 bit.

Yeah.

You got to bring the trailer and stuff it in there and then you, you're out.

You're the worst cow thief I've ever talked about.

You've talked to a lot of cow.

I do.

In my day.

Oh, I do.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I love talking to you.

Is there anything, is there any question I can answer for you?

Because I feel like, I'd like to impart a little of my wisdom.

Well, I want to know, I mean, I'm really into tech and I love, I love the advancements

that are going on in the world.

And I wanted to know what technology field you'd manage to fake your way into.

Wow.

Well, I think as most of my listeners know, I'm very tech phobic.

My son who's 16 is very talented and enthusiastic about computers and coding and he has

absolute contempt for me because I don't know how to open an app.

And I often bad at it like, you know, I'm like a cat batting it, a piece of yarn.

I don't know what I'm doing and I'm terrible with tech.

So I'm trying to think, I cannot think of a single area of technology where I would be

able to pass myself off as intelligent or competent for even seconds at a time.

So in a, do you have any ideas you've seen me?

And Matt, Matt, you check it.

I think that you actually, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit.

I think you're really good at bullshitting and like making up things.

Oh, yeah.

So you could walk into the tech company and be like, guys, we got to, you know, do better

on these, uh, on these springs and then, right, I don't know, I'm not as good as you.

That's why I can't figure it out, but you're very good at pretending you understand

things.

Don't put your Cal thief day job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

Can I say Benji?

I think Stone is on to something.

I would need a couple of key phrases.

And as long as I have a few key phrases that maybe you could give me, you know what I mean?

Like three or four key phrases I might be able to get by for a while as a cloud computing

expert.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But I would need you to give me a list of like, just right now, give me a, uh, firewall

what else?

A virtual machine.

Yep.

Right.

Data base hacker.

What's that?

Data base?

Yeah.

Yes.

Well, guys.

It's a very basic.

No, but, but and also maybe a couple that are a little fancier than that.

Those are pretty standard.

You got a little, you got a fancy one.

Mm.

Ooh.

It can't be cow related.

It can't be cow related.

I'm thinking like there could be something cow related.

Don't you think Benji, you could introduce me, because I'm sure there are people that

you talk to who wouldn't be aware of who I am and do your contacts around the world in

different countries.

You could say I've brought in a consultant.

He's going to be dealing with the issues in here he is.

His name's Chris Obrion and I could pop on.

And so on as right.

I am pretty good at both shitting and double speak.

So I'd come in and I'd say, guys, good to see you.

We are having some issues, basically surrounding the firewall interactions with our virtual

machines.

We need, we need, you know, to work and try and upload and upgrade our database systems

so that they interact across all regional formats.

What I'd like to do is begin by having each of you make a presentation to me on how

we can achieve these goals in the near term, but also the far term.

And I think, I think that's a good idea.

That was really good.

Yeah.

I think I could reach out.

Well, format, everything was just like that.

Yeah.

I think I could get the mic.

Yeah.

And if anything didn't make sense, you could say, guys,

he's very sophisticated.

Some of the jargon he's using is the latest jargon that you're not aware of yet.

So just be patient.

He'll bring you up to speed.

And I think I could get away with it.

Well listen, Benji, I hope someday to get to Uganda because I'd love to meet you in person,

or if you get this way, it would be nice to shake your hand.

Because you seem like an honorable man, a good man, and I'm so happy that your, well, trust

me, it doesn't mean anything when I say it.

Don't get carried away.

So can Matt say it?

Yeah.

Matt says it.

It's like sincere and has real meaning.

Matt, go for it.

I will say, I think you seem like a wonderfully honorable man.

Oh, thank you.

No, the value of a cow and you seem like a friendly guy, and I would love to shake your

hand.

Truly.

What's it like, Matt, to have a soul?

What's it like?

Is it feel good?

It is great.

I sold mine in 1993 to get into television.

Well, so Benji, and seriously, congratulations on your new life with your, with your

wife, and I do wish you, I do wish you all the best, and do you listen to our podcast?

Is that how you know what we're up to?

I listen to it every day.

My wife, sometimes, is just frustrated that she's hearing your voices.

But she loves you.

She does have a hate love relationship with you, and it's just, what do you mean hate

love?

What did I ever do to her?

Why does she hate me?

I think it's the jokes, and I love them.

So we're always like, I want to listen to this early in the morning, and she's, you

know, she's not a morning person.

This is, this is all different.

She doesn't like my jokes.

Okay, I, man, I'm calling this wedding off.

I'm going to, this wedding is off, Benji.

It's off.

It's over.

We're going to find you someone who's a Conan fanatic, okay?

Will, I'll convert her.

Oh, good.

It hasn't happened yet.

It's not happening.

Trust me.

My wife would agree with your wife.

She's not a fan.

Well, Benji, so nice talking to you, continued success, best of luck, and really nice to

have you as a friend.

Nice talking to you guys too.

I really enjoyed this.

Oh, this is great.

Thank you, Benji.

Pleasure.

Conan O. Brian needs a fan, with Conan O. Brian, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourli, produced

by me, Matt Gourli, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Saloteroff, and Jeff Ross

at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Your Wolf, music by Jimmy Vivina, supervising producer

Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty

and Lisa Burm, engineered by Will Beckton.

Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O. Brian needs a friend on Apple Podcasts,

Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Here, 18 Coco production, in association with Stitcher.